Newsletter No.18
When you look back over your life, or even just at this moment, what has the greatest impact on your wellbeing? Good or bad. Is it what you eat, how you move, how well you sleep, your career, your hobbies, your self-care routine? As a wellness publication, those are the areas we tend to focus on, but I wanted to recognise that, for me (and I suspect many others), it isn’t any of those. It’s the romantic relationships I’ve had, the love I’ve found, and the love I’ve lost.
Maybe that’s because it’s the one area I can’t fully control. I can choose to get up, go to work, exercise, and eat well, but I can’t control how another person feels, behaves, or communicates. Over the past five years, my romantic relationships have, on occasions, unravelled the work I have done on my wellbeing.
Letting someone else influence my health and happiness is something I still struggle with. When we fall in love, we tend to give everything we have, and sometimes that comes at a cost. I’m far from a pro at all this (I’m single at 40, after all), but with a lot of support from friends and family, I’ve learned there are things within our control:
Don’t rely on a romantic relationship to define your sense of belonging or purpose
Being single, especially at 40, can feel hard. Most people have someone to share holidays, meals, or even just talk about their day with. After my divorce, I struggled with my sense of belonging. I thought having children with my husband would give me purpose. In truth, it’s taken years to rediscover where I belong, who I can call on, and what gives my life meaning without a family of my own. Strengthening the other pillars in my life - finding a home, doing work I love, and surrounding myself with the right people - has helped me find some peace in my situation.
Protect the unconditional love in your life
I don’t know where I’d be without the people who love me unconditionally - my family and my friends. It’s easy to overlook how important these relationships are until you truly need them. Not many people will stand by you through hours, days, months, or years of heartbreak just to see you through to the other side. Those are the greatest loves, the ones worth protecting at all costs.
Choose happiness
My sister said these words to me just the other day: you can choose to be happy. It’s something I’m starting to achieve; after all, there is so much of my life that I’m grateful for. In a relationship dynamic, that choice can feel a little more complicated. One thing my marriage taught me is that if you’re not happy, you’re very unlikely to make the other person happy. Ignoring that doesn’t serve anyone in the long run. We only get one life, and choosing happiness may be the most important thing we can do, for ourselves and for the people we love. When I lost my dad three years ago, it hit me hard that all he ever wanted was to see me happy. It’s something I’ve strived for ever since.
Communicate openly and honestly
This has been one of my biggest challenges. I’m a talker, but I’m also a people pleaser, which means I don’t always say what needs to be said. I tried to protect my husband during our marriage, but avoiding honesty came at a cost. I’ve tried to carry this lesson with me. Unfortunately, along the way, you encounter people who bottle things up or disappear entirely. I used to run, quite literally, for miles to escape my feelings. Now, I’d rather walk and talk. I think most of us find it confronting to have hard conversations face-to-face, walking side by side relieves a lot of that pressure. Putting the words out into nature feels a little easier somehow.
Forgive
No matter how much someone has hurt you, holding onto that pain only prolongs your suffering. I spoke to Jasmine Hemsley after my most recent relationship ended; she recognised immediately that I was holding onto so much hurt and confusion. She recommended I try Ho’oponopono, an ancient Hawaiian practice that translates to "to make right". The meditation involves repeating four key phrases: ”I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you”. The idea is to release resentment, heal relationships in your own mind, and take care of your own internal reality. I will never forget that conversation with Jasmine; it shifted something in me, and I will be forever grateful for her words of wisdom, of which there are many!
Writing this, I’ve realised that the things I mentioned at the start - what you eat, how you move, how well you sleep, your career, your hobbies, your self-care routine - are what help you through not just heartbreak, but other setbacks too.
We hope you have enjoyed our newsletter. Cam & Kate x